You are not alone in this – a tune

Subject: Mumford and sons lyrics

Outcome:  2 discoveries

When we received Josh’s iPod back from Vietnam with all his belongings we had a huge dilemma. Was it private. Should we listen and look or not. Would Josh want us to. Problem solved as we discovered that it was pass word protected. End of story. Or so we thought. Until Jimmy randomly put in his date of birth and unbelievably …  yes.  A chance in a million.

Now I go running with his i pod in my pocket and his tunes in my ear.

And these last 4 years running has been a life saver for me. Particularly when I least felt like going.  There is something about getting out in all weathers and discovering all these new songs, something about needing to run through the pain in both my legs and my heart, that forced me to reconsider my grief and see that this was my way of continuing my bond with Josh.

Macabre some might say. Wallowing. Absolutely not. Not a bit. Liberating exciting and though emotional it was more cathartic as I would shed a tear and feel relief from the ache in my heart.

Even magical to get to know more and more about his taste in music and marvel at the overlaps and parallels in our taste.

That was discovery No.1

Discovery No. 2

On Holocaust Remembrance Day, this year, I  was feeling particularily bereft and sad and walked up to Josh’s tree.

As I reached the tree I put on his iPod and this track came up.  Mumford and Sons who I really don’t know and have never listened to but this track hit me so hard it took my breath away.   I sat on Josh’s bench on the hillside overlooking our village and it felt truly like a release for me and though my heart ached terribly I really felt Josh up there on the hill side with me.

And I’m really not sure how this could have possibly escaped me but a split second realisation that Holocaust Rememberance Day 2011 fell on the same day as Josh’s funeral.

Particularily strange as I have always marked Holocaust day since Josh died but not marked his funeral day as his death day has been our significant date of Rememrance.   How I have never put the 2 together seems beyond belief.  Maybe I simply didn’t have the emotional space till now to join up the massive significance of the date his funeral fell on.

Since these discovery Mumford and Sons have become regular running chums as I digest the massive resonance of the lyrics and feel that I really am not alone

Yes death will steal your innocence but as I have realised it will not steal your substance.

Thanks for reading

Jane (March 2015)

Listen to Jane’s Running thoughts here