Grief and Love for the world around me – by Joe

In the 15 months that my brother has since passed I have experienced a wave of different emotions and a sense of huge loss. A loss of my brother as a person, a soul and a presence in my life. I have also sensed so much loss within my own perspectives and feelings in life as it has continued. What is deemed important or worth concentration has skewered from the path it once was on and feelings of real joy, happiness and love, suffocated and laid aside to a point where at times forgotton. Forgotten to the point where it has been hard to believe that they can ever exist again?

I was travelling to work this afternoon listening to my Ipod as I walked across the concourse at Stratford listening to the playlist I have of 10 tracks that I now associate most deeply with my brother Joshua. I was in deep thought thinking of Josh and my loss. This playlist supports me in my way to be with my brother and often brings emotion with it…..sadness, pride and most importantly of all, a feeling of closeness that I can only now hold onto as best I can that re-connects me with Josh.

As I approached the stairs I had to stop in my tracks as for what certainly felt like the first time, I felt an acute sense of love for the world and with it, a realisation that I have an ability to love the world. To love the world whilst still being able to grieve for my brother.

For a moment…..I felt a clarity that I had not felt before between my sadness of my loss and my ability to love and see opportunity ahead for what life has.

I wanted to share this experience as it seemed at the time a very new sensation and one that I feel was and hopefully will be important for me in days, weeks, months ahead. To be able to re-visit and also move forward with where possible.

..every brother is a star x..


3 Responses

  1. Hi Joe, I just read your post on Beyond Goodbye about Josh, loss and love for the world. It really touched me and made me smile.


    ……Yes, life is quite superb and exciting and full of firsts. I always used to say buying the campervan was the best thing Matt and I ever did. I have now changed my mind…Connie
    definitely wins hands down!

    Connie has also given me a new perspective on family and unconditional love which makes me understand your love for Josh but not your loss.

    We’re now getting out and about so no doubt will be seeing you soon xx

  2. This was so beautiful Joe.
    Thank you for sharing it.
    I was moved to tears.
    i know it’s such a cliche and i am sure many people will have said this to you so I sincerely hope you will not see this as trite – but Josh would want you to be happy and feel joy and see the beauty in life and the world and live your life to the full . . .
    That is one of the many ways he can live on through you (and others who knew and loved him) taking all that was great in him and continuing to manifest his qualities because of him, because you knew him and loved him and had him in your life – he has made you what you are and you made him what he was (and still is).
    After a very dear friend of mine died i made a conscious choice to try to be more like her in some of the special ways she did things and made people feel loved and welcome. I sort of ‘took her on’ if you know what i mean and i still feel close to her and continue to have an ongoing relationship with her after a number of years now.
    Much love to you and your family, Sally in Oz

  3. Thank you for sharing this Joe. It is constantly a lesson for me to learn from grief how it has its own pace. I sometimes wonder if there is little we can do to increase its speed but a great deal to hinder it.
    Sandy Wickenden
    Business Development Manager
    Funeral Partners Ltd

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